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18 Miles to the Hospital Bed...

9/29/2013

8 Comments

 
Last Saturday Megan and I ran 18 miles.  That’s what our training plan called for.  It wasn’t pretty.  We had to stop countless times so I could cough and get the thick, colorful focus out of my lungs.  We had to take breaks and walk cause I couldn't catch my breath going up hills.  We had to adapt our training run because I wasn't at my best.  But nonetheless we continued and finished.  Four days later I was at Beth Israel Medical Center waiting for a PICC line.  The first step in what would be a week long stint as an in-patient and 1-2 more of home IVs.  In the CF world, what we call a tune-up. 
That feeling I had during the 18 miles was nothing new.  It’s pretty much of how I’ve felt during my training runs for the past month.  Full of coughing and mucus.  Full of stopping to spit.  Full of running at a slower pace just to make sure I could get through the runs.  Full of not being able to enjoy what I love most.  In fact, two weeks ago I went into such a coughing fit that another runner stopped to check on me.  For the first time in my life, it was so bad that someone else took time to see if I was alright.  I nodded and said, “Yea, just working some things out,” but I knew that something wasn’t right.  The orals and nebulizers we’d tried weren’t working.  I couldn’t kick whatever was growing in my lungs.  I knew that something else needed to be done.  I knew that it was time for a tune-up and possibly a hospitalization. 

That's when I decided it was time to come to the doctor.  The results of my visit weren't great.  My x-ray wasn’t as clear, my lung function was down.  My mucus was thick and colorful and full  bacteria.  Shortness of breath and wheezing continued.  Whether or not I needed a tune-up was not even on the table for conversation.   The only conversation that took place was what day I wanted to come in.  At that point, many thoughts and emotions ran through my head.  Sadness, frustration, disgust, and annoyance.  Regardless of how many times I’ve been admitted or the fact that I know this is what’s best for me, hearing that you need to be admitted to the hospital sucks.  I try so, so hard to fight and beat this disease, but at the end of the day it leaves me feeling like regardless of what I do it’s not always in my control.  A feeling of helplessness and loss of control.  A feeling I don't like to feel, but every so often peaks its head out.  From my perspective there was nothing more that I could have done.  Yes, life was busy.  Work and life have been crazy and I’d been training for a marathon, but I was still getting rest, doing my treatments, eating right, and exercising.  This time it just wasn’t enough and there was nothing I could do.  I needed to rest.  I needed additional medication and treatment.  I needed a break and that’s exactly what a hospitalization does.  It forces me to take a break from life.

It’s been 5 days in the hospital and I’m starting to feel better.  I’m sleeping through the night, not waking up in coughing fits.  I’m bringing up less mucus during treatment.  It’s not as colorful or thick.  I can once again take deep breathes without it hurting.  My lungs are opening and my spirits are rising.  In a few days, I’ll walk out of here feeling stronger than I’ve felt in a long time.  I’ll walk out of here with head held high, determined to not come back for a long, long time.  I’ll walk out of here with a renewed perspective and outlook.  I’ll walk out of here with a smile on my face ready to get back to the life I love.

8 Comments
Robert Bird
9/29/2013 09:18:50 am

Hang in there Steve- do what you need to do to do what you love to do!

Hope to see you soon

Reply
Sally @ sweat out the small stuff link
9/29/2013 09:29:13 am

There's nothing more frustrating than to not have control, especially when you've done all you could to control it. But luckily the human spirit knows just how to move from one emotion to another. I hope that within a few days you'll be feeling so much better and you'll be back to doing what you love. But don't ever get frustrated that your frustrated if that makes sense. My boss said to me once be graceful when your down and grateful when your up. Ironic that NYRR has an 18 mile "tune-up" training run. So consider this your spin on that. Take care!

Reply
Lindsay kaufman
9/29/2013 10:00:51 am

Xoxo

Reply
Erica
9/29/2013 10:47:07 am

Speedy recovery Steve. Glad to hear you're feeling better and that you'll be back to hitting the road soon.

Reply
Doug
9/29/2013 11:54:34 am

Hang in there, Steve. Feel better. You'll be after it again in no time.

Reply
Annie Berke
9/29/2013 03:56:06 pm

Hope you feel better soon Steve!!

Reply
Mary Burgoon
9/30/2013 09:58:41 am

Hi Steve.. You are such a fighter! I can see that smile on your face as you walk out of that hospital. Please have Meg take a picture and post it so I can see that adorable face of yours. Bill and I send our best wishes. Love, Mary

Reply
Hospital Bed Hollywood link
8/27/2018 02:35:11 am

You bravely tackled everything , and hope you will be better by now.

Reply



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    About Steve...

    My name is Steve Bell.  I'm 30 years old.  I run marathons.  I play soccer.  I work in advertising.  I read books.  I like to travel and go to the beach.  I like spending time with my friends and  family.  I smile, laugh and tell bad jokes on a daily basis. I also have Cystic Fibrosis.  It's a lung disease.  It's fun.  This is my  story.

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